I Have Found My Voice and I Refuse to Shut Up

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The Butcher, The Baker, The Candlestick Maker

In light of the most recent personal attack from my ex husband and all those during our marriage and post-divorce, I must say I’m exhausted.

Not from the constant emotional rollercoaster ride he tries to force me on or the verbal judo he throws out there…that just doesn’t work anymore…BUT from all the sex he claims I’ve had.

●the groomsmen at our wedding

●the friend who looked like Elliot Stabler from Law and Order

●the cashier at the grocery store

●his boss

●the neighbors

●the preacher

●the dentist

●the chiropractor

●Owen Wilson (I wish)

●my deceased sister’s husband

●our daughter’s best friend’s dad

●the woman he had an affair with’s husband (although I did once end up on a blind date with her ex husband’s sister’s ex husband…yea that was too close for comfort)

●my best friend’s husband

●my best friend (apparently I swing both ways)

●and the many, many others that don’t currently come to mind…the butcher, the baker, the candlestick maker…

I’m just exhausted.

It’s a wonder I can still walk.

My uterus should have just fallen out by now.

I just agree with him. What can I say? I’m a lover not a fighter…

What are you doing with your 90%?

Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you respond.

We can’t always be in control of what happens to us but we are in control of how we choose to respond.

Do you choose to be happy or miserable?

Do you lift those around you up or do you bring them down?

I never want to be known as a negative influence in anyone’s life. I choose to be happy and make the most my 90%.

What are you doing with your 90%?

Write yourself a happy ending,

“It’s not about what’s wrong with me. It’s about what’s right with me. I refuse to settle.”


After getting out of an outright ‘in your face’ abusive marriage. I landed in the arms of a passive aggressive.

Passive aggressives also have an inability to express their anger in a healthy way. It took me a while to figure out exactly what was going on as I was used to the complete opposite.

My passive aggressive was about denying me attention when he was mad…denying he was mad…pouting, giving me the silent treatment if I spent time with my kids or friends, trying to lay guilt trips on me, (Guilt trips do not work on me they just piss me off.) lying about little things to keep me in the relationship. I could always tell when he was lying. I called him out on everything and he was amazed I knew ‘his game’.

I was madly in love with him but knew it was not a healthy relationship so, as much as it broke my heart, I ended it. I deserve better. My kids deserve better.

I’m actually very thankful for that relationship. It was affirmation that I am not broken. I am capable of love. I left my marriage with no ounce of love in my heart…no attachment…no remorse. I left my passive aggressive broken-hearted yet determined. I know in my heart the right person is out there somewhere. I just refuse to settle.

People often ask me why I’m
single…what’s wrong with me.

My response, “It’s not about what’s wrong with me. It’s about what’s right with me. I refuse to settle.”

It Is Not My Shame…I Am Not To Blame…


Every 2 minutes, someone in the U.S. is sexually assaulted.

There is an average of 207,754 victims (age 12 or older) of sexual assault each year.

54% of sexual assaults are not reported to the police.

97% of rapists will never spend a day in jail.

Approximately 2/3 of assaults are committed by someone known to the victim.

38% of rapists are a friend or acquaintance.

Sexual violence knows no boundaries, reaches every age, race, class, gender and sexual orientation. It affects entire communities from high schools to college campuses, the workplace and our own homes.

Many victims will never seek justice for a host of fears: not being believed, reliving traumatic experiences, retribution.

The effects on victims and society are profound. Many rape victims suffer severe long-term physical and emotional difficulties. They experience higher rates of depression, anxiety, post-traumatic stress disorder and even thoughts of suicide.

Things My Abuser Said to Me (usually through gritted teeth and clenched fists)

(Please excuse the offensive language but it’s important to hear and feel the full impact of what was said.)

Stupid fucking bitch!!

IF you were raped I’m sure it was your own fault.

You are nothing compared to my high school sweetheart.

Tears are a sign of weakness so quit feeling sorry for yourself. Are you going to have a pity party…boohoohoo.

What kind of a mother are you?

You don’t have any friends. No one likes you.

You must be a lesbian. You’d rather spend time with your girlfriends than me.

No you cannot sell stupid candles if it means you won’t be home to do my laundry.

I’m not your babysitter. Take the kids with you.

You don’t appreciate the fact that I allow you to stay home and take care of the kids and not work.

I know you have slept with every man who has ever knocked on the front door.

Don’t you ever walk away from me. No one ever walks away from me.

It’s your fault I pushed you down the stairs. You shouldn’t have walked away from me.

You’re lucky I don’t hit you…stupid fucking bitch.

Your sense of reality is warped. You live in a fantasy world.

You deserve what I say you deserve.

Shut the fuck up!!

I’m a man and I know how to please a woman. Don’t you ever tell me you don’t enjoy it.

I’m not an alcoholic. It’s your fault I drink.

Fucking liar.

If you ever ask me to choose between you and her, I will look you right in the eye and say FUCK YOU!

If you ever expect to find a man who doesn’t curse you and punch holes in walls I hope you’re prepared to spend the rest of your life alone.

I hate you. You ruined my life.

I’m not abusive. You exaggerate everything.

On average, a woman will leave an abusive relationship 7 times before she leaves for good.

During the process of my divorce, I began working for a domestic violence and sexual assault program. My oldest daughter could not understand how I could do this work day in and day out when the majority of women wouldn’t follow through with leaving. I explained to her it was a process and not easy or even safe in most cases. She still didn’t understand until one day she came home and said, “I get it now mommy. I understand why you do what you do.” She had read The Starfish Story at school and had an ‘aha’ moment.

The Starfish Story

Once upon a time, there was an old man who used to go to the ocean to do his writing. He had a habit of walking on the beach every morning before he began his work. Early one morning, he was walking along the shore after a big storm had passed and found the vast beach littered with starfish as far as the eye could see, stretching in both directions.

Off in the distance, the old man noticed a small boy approaching. As the boy walked, he paused every so often and as he grew closer, the man could see that he was occasionally bending down to pick up an object and throw it into the sea. The boy came closer still and the man called out, ”Good morning! May I ask what it is that you are doing?”

The young boy paused, looked up, and replied “Throwing starfish into the ocean. The tide has washed them up onto the beach and they can’t return to the sea by themselves,” the youth replied. “When the sun gets high, they will die, unless I throw them back into the water.”

The old man replied, “But there must be tens of thousands of starfish on this beach. I’m afraid you won’t really be able to make much of a difference.”

The boy bent down, picked up yet another starfish and threw it as far as he could into the ocean. Then he turned, smiled and said, “It made a difference to that one!” adapted from The Star Thrower, by Loren Eiseley (1907 – 1977)

That is exactly what it is about. Every victory, no matter how small, is still a victory.

Every seed of affirmation that is planted will take root and grow with continued support and nurturing.

Although I never actually left my abusive relationship but once, I must have left 100+ times in my mind. When the day finally came, I was able to walk away with no doubt, no self-blame and no attachment. It was the epitome of freedom.

Write yourself a happy ending,

Every 9 seconds in the US a woman is assaulted or beaten.