After getting out of an outright ‘in your face’ abusive marriage. I landed in the arms of a passive aggressive.
Passive aggressives also have an inability to express their anger in a healthy way. It took me a while to figure out exactly what was going on as I was used to the complete opposite.
My passive aggressive was about denying me attention when he was mad…denying he was mad…pouting, giving me the silent treatment if I spent time with my kids or friends, trying to lay guilt trips on me, (Guilt trips do not work on me they just piss me off.) lying about little things to keep me in the relationship. I could always tell when he was lying. I called him out on everything and he was amazed I knew ‘his game’.
I was madly in love with him but knew it was not a healthy relationship so, as much as it broke my heart, I ended it. I deserve better. My kids deserve better.
I’m actually very thankful for that relationship. It was affirmation that I am not broken. I am capable of love. I left my marriage with no ounce of love in my heart…no attachment…no remorse. I left my passive aggressive broken-hearted yet determined. I know in my heart the right person is out there somewhere. I just refuse to settle.
People often ask me why I’m
single…what’s wrong with me.
My response, “It’s not about what’s wrong with me. It’s about what’s right with me. I refuse to settle.”
DEFINITION OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE
Domestic violence is a pattern of assaultive and coercive behaviors, including physical, sexual, and psychological attacks, as well as economic coercion, that adults or adolescents use against their intimate partner.
DOMESTIC VIOLENCE IS:
- A pattern of behaviors including a variety of tactics – some physically injurious and some not, some criminal and some not – carried out in multiple, sometimes daily episodes.
- A pattern of assaultive and coercive behaviors, including physical, sexual, and psychological attacks, as well as economic coercion.
- A combination of physical force and terror used by the perpetrator that causes physical and psychological harm to the victim and children.
- A pattern of purposeful behavior, directed at achieving compliance from or control over the victim.
- Behaviors perpetrated by adults or adolescents against their intimate partner in current or former dating, married or cohabiting relationships of heterosexuals, gays and lesbians.
Prepared by Anne L. Ganley, Ph.D. for the Family Violence Prevention Fund
I completely understand this fear and frustration. Doing what you have to do to survive.
Constantly planning your escape to freedom. Hoping he will let go when the time finally comes. Cursing the bastard for everything you have endured. The worry over providing for your kids. It’s a constant battle of inner turmoil and anguish.
As horrible as it is to admit, I secretly hoped for years that my ex would find someone else while we were married. My reasoning was if he had someone else in his life it would make it easier for him to let me go.
That’s actually what happened. I doubt there are many women out there who call the ‘other woman’ with her blessings and approval. I didn’t have a marriage. I never had a husband. I had a dictator.
Stay strong. Stay safe. Each day is a new day!!!
Your better life is coming!!!
Since I started this blogging journey, I’ve come across quite a few blogs that discuss Domestic Violence as well as all different types of abuse whether it be physical, verbal, sexual, etc. Some of them are written by abuse survivors. Those of you who have lived through your ordeal and made it out. Refusing to ever be in that type of situation again. There are also blogs written by those of us who are still a victim of circumstance. Still “living the life”. Trying to find our voice and strength to get up, move on and move out. Others are written by those who are our allies, the non-abused. They will fight the good fight by our side condemning all and any type of abuse. An objective standpoint if you will. Each of you are equally wonderful. Why? It’s because you are talking about it. This is a topic that…
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Every 2 minutes, someone in the U.S. is sexually assaulted.
There is an average of 207,754 victims (age 12 or older) of sexual assault each year.
54% of sexual assaults are not reported to the police.
97% of rapists will never spend a day in jail.
Approximately 2/3 of assaults are committed by someone known to the victim.
38% of rapists are a friend or acquaintance.
Sexual violence knows no boundaries, reaches every age, race, class, gender and sexual orientation. It affects entire communities from high schools to college campuses, the workplace and our own homes.
Many victims will never seek justice for a host of fears: not being believed, reliving traumatic experiences, retribution.
The effects on victims and society are profound. Many rape victims suffer severe long-term physical and emotional difficulties. They experience higher rates of depression, anxiety, post-traumatic stress disorder and even thoughts of suicide.
If you are still in the relationship:
Think of a safe place to go if an argument occurs – avoid rooms with no exits (bathroom), or rooms with weapons (kitchen).
Think about and make a list of safe people to contact.
Keep change with you at all times.
Memorize all important numbers.
Establish a “code word” or “sign” so that family, friends, teachers or co-workers know when to call for help.
Think about what you will say to your partner if he\she becomes violent.
Remember, you have the right to live without fear and violence.
If you have left the relationship:
Change your phone number.
Save and document all contacts, messages, injuries or other incidents involving the batterer.
Change locks, if the batterer has a key.
Avoid staying alone.
Plan how to get away if confronted by an abusive partner.
If you have to meet your partner, do it in a public place.
Vary your routine.
Notify school and work contacts.
Call a shelter for battered women.
If you leave the relationship or are thinking of leaving, you should take important papers and documents with you to enable you to apply for benefits or take legal action.
Important papers you should take include social security cards and birth certificates for you and your children, your marriage license, leases or deeds in your name or both yours and your partner’s names, your checkbook, your charge cards, bank statements and charge account statements, insurance policies, proof of income for you and your spouse (pay stubs or W-2’s), and any documentation of past incidents of abuse (photos, police reports, medical records, etc.)
Sometimes people come into your life and you know right away that they were meant to be there. To serve some sort of purpose, teach you a lesson or help figure out who you are or who you want to become.
You never know who these people may be but when you lock eyes with them, you know that very moment that they will affect your life in some profound way.
And sometimes things happen to you at the time that may seem horrible,
painful and unfair, but in reflection you realize that without overcoming
those obstacles you would have never realized your potential, strength, will
power or heart.
Everything happens for a reason. Nothing happens by chance or by means of
good luck. Illness, injury, love, lost moments of true greatness and sheer
stupidity all occur to test the limits of your soul. Without these small
tests, life would be like a smoothly paved, straight, flat road to nowhere.
Safe and comfortable but dull and utterly pointless.
The people you meet affect your life. The successes and downfalls that you
experience can create who you are, and the bad experiences can be learned
from. In fact, they are probably the most poignant and important ones.
If someone hurts you, betrays you or breaks your heart, forgive them because
they have helped you learn about trust and the importance of being cautious
to whom you open your heart.
If someone loves you, love them back unconditionally, not only because they
love you, but because they are teaching you to love and to open your heart
and eyes to little things. Make every day count.
Appreciate every moment and take from it everything that you possibly can,
for you may never be able to experience it again.
Talk to people you have never talked to before, and actually listen. Let
yourself fall in love, break free and set your sights high.
Hold your head up because you have every right to. Tell yourself you are a
great individual and believe in yourself, for if you don’t believe in
yourself, no one else will believe in you. Create your own life and then go
out and live it.
“If you take your eyes off your goals, all you see are obstacles.”
The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans
This book was a blessing to me. It gave me so much insight and affirmation.
It is a must read for everyone!!
Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft
Another incredible book. I had the pleasure of attending one of Mr. Bancroft’s workshops in Nashville, Tennessee and meeting him in person.
Thank you to both authors for their voice and wisdom!