I Have Found My Voice and I Refuse to Shut Up

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The Butcher, The Baker, The Candlestick Maker

In light of the most recent personal attack from my ex husband and all those during our marriage and post-divorce, I must say I’m exhausted.

Not from the constant emotional rollercoaster ride he tries to force me on or the verbal judo he throws out there…that just doesn’t work anymore…BUT from all the sex he claims I’ve had.

●the groomsmen at our wedding

●the friend who looked like Elliot Stabler from Law and Order

●the cashier at the grocery store

●his boss

●the neighbors

●the preacher

●the dentist

●the chiropractor

●Owen Wilson (I wish)

●my deceased sister’s husband

●our daughter’s best friend’s dad

●the woman he had an affair with’s husband (although I did once end up on a blind date with her ex husband’s sister’s ex husband…yea that was too close for comfort)

●my best friend’s husband

●my best friend (apparently I swing both ways)

●and the many, many others that don’t currently come to mind…the butcher, the baker, the candlestick maker…

I’m just exhausted.

It’s a wonder I can still walk.

My uterus should have just fallen out by now.

I just agree with him. What can I say? I’m a lover not a fighter…

What are you doing with your 90%?

Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you respond.

We can’t always be in control of what happens to us but we are in control of how we choose to respond.

Do you choose to be happy or miserable?

Do you lift those around you up or do you bring them down?

I never want to be known as a negative influence in anyone’s life. I choose to be happy and make the most my 90%.

What are you doing with your 90%?

Write yourself a happy ending,

Forgiveness

For years now my ex husband occasionally spews at me that I don’t know how to forgive, that I hold grudges, and that I obviously never loved him.

We’ve been divorced 8 years. It’s time to let go.

He believes forgiveness means we become ‘friends’.

We can never be friends.

I choose not to be ‘friends’ with anyone who mistreats me or has obvious disdain for me.

I choose not to engage him or respond to him during his personal attacks on me. (I have nothing to prove to him.) Yet I’m to blame for starting ‘petty arguments’ if I stand up for one of our kids.

I admit for many years I did have much hatred in my heart for him. I hated him with every breath I took.

It wasn’t until I knew the end of our relationship was upon us that I was able to let go of the hatred and forgive him. That forgiveness was for my sake. I wanted out of the relationship with my sanity in tact. I didn’t want to be a bitter, cold, hard-hearted person incapable of loving or trusting anyone else.

I do not love him nor do I hate him. Both are strong emotions and either way it means you have feelings for someone. I have nothing left for him. I just want to be left alone and live my life in peace.

Yes, I have forgiven him…many, many times as once is just not enough. I hope some day he can learn to forgive himself.

“Maybe if you would stop trying to replace me, you would find a man.”

Replace
1. To put back into a former position or place.
2. To take or fill the place of.
3. To be or provide a substitute for.

That was said to me last night by my very angry ex because our son did not want to visit with him this weekend. What that (and many other things that were said) has to do with our son is beyond me.

I don’t even feel the need to defend myself or provide an explanation for the above quote. I think the meaning behind it speaks for itself.

Have a blessed weekend. Stay strong and write yourself a happy ending!!!

“It’s not about what’s wrong with me. It’s about what’s right with me. I refuse to settle.”

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After getting out of an outright ‘in your face’ abusive marriage. I landed in the arms of a passive aggressive.

Passive aggressives also have an inability to express their anger in a healthy way. It took me a while to figure out exactly what was going on as I was used to the complete opposite.

My passive aggressive was about denying me attention when he was mad…denying he was mad…pouting, giving me the silent treatment if I spent time with my kids or friends, trying to lay guilt trips on me, (Guilt trips do not work on me they just piss me off.) lying about little things to keep me in the relationship. I could always tell when he was lying. I called him out on everything and he was amazed I knew ‘his game’.

I was madly in love with him but knew it was not a healthy relationship so, as much as it broke my heart, I ended it. I deserve better. My kids deserve better.

I’m actually very thankful for that relationship. It was affirmation that I am not broken. I am capable of love. I left my marriage with no ounce of love in my heart…no attachment…no remorse. I left my passive aggressive broken-hearted yet determined. I know in my heart the right person is out there somewhere. I just refuse to settle.

People often ask me why I’m
single…what’s wrong with me.

My response, “It’s not about what’s wrong with me. It’s about what’s right with me. I refuse to settle.”

Domestic Violence / Power and Control Wheel

powercontrolwheel

DEFINITION OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE
Domestic violence is a pattern of assaultive and coercive behaviors, including physical, sexual, and psychological attacks, as well as economic coercion, that adults or adolescents use against their intimate partner.

DOMESTIC VIOLENCE IS: 

  •  A pattern of behaviors including a variety of tactics – some physically injurious and some not, some criminal and some not – carried out in multiple, sometimes daily episodes.
  •  A pattern of assaultive and coercive behaviors, including physical, sexual, and psychological attacks, as well as economic coercion.
  • A combination of physical force and terror used by the perpetrator that causes physical and psychological harm to the victim and children.
  •  A pattern of purposeful behavior, directed at achieving compliance from or control over the victim.
  • Behaviors perpetrated by adults or adolescents against their intimate partner in current or former dating, married or cohabiting relationships of heterosexuals, gays and lesbians.

Prepared by Anne L. Ganley, Ph.D. for the Family Violence Prevention Fund

Mentally Exhausted

I completely understand this fear and frustration. Doing what you have to do to survive.
Constantly planning your escape to freedom. Hoping he will let go when the time finally comes. Cursing the bastard for everything you have endured. The worry over providing for your kids. It’s a constant battle of inner turmoil and anguish.

As horrible as it is to admit, I secretly hoped for years that my ex would find someone else while we were married. My reasoning was if he had someone else in his life it would make it easier for him to let me go.

That’s actually what happened. I doubt there are many women out there who call the ‘other woman’ with her blessings and approval. I didn’t have a marriage. I never had a husband. I had a dictator.

Stay strong. Stay safe. Each day is a new day!!!

Your better life is coming!!!

Battered Wife Seeking Better Life

Since I started this blogging journey, I’ve come across quite a few blogs that discuss Domestic Violence as well as all different types of abuse whether it be physical, verbal, sexual, etc.  Some of them are written by abuse survivors.  Those of you who have lived through your ordeal and made it out.  Refusing to ever be in that type of situation again.  There are also blogs written by those of us who are still a victim of circumstance.  Still “living the life”.  Trying to find our voice and strength to get up, move on and move out.  Others are written by those who are our allies, the non-abused.  They will fight the good fight by our side condemning all and any type of abuse.  An objective standpoint if you will.  Each of you are equally wonderful.  Why?  It’s because you are talking about it.  This is a topic that…

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